Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
