i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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