and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
