Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
