i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
