I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
