your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
