Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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