i think my tv is drunk
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
