you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
