I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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