Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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