i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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