I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
