The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize