My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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