Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
