I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize