Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
