that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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