Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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