good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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