mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
