Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
