the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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