i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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