this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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