btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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