imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
