i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
