My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
