Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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