and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize