i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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