You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
