I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
