don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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