Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
