We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
