Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
