you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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