also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize