if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
