the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
