i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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