Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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