so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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