So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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