My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
