I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
