So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
