you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
