when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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