im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
please come you make the beer taste better
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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