I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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