I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
