So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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