Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
